Dreaming of Dreaming

IMG_3515The last thing I remembered in the dream before things went weird was spending time with my family in San Angelo. I got into my car, which was packed with pillows, blankets, and bags, and was about to hit the road. Something was going on. I was by myself, a few years older than I am now. It was dark, and a storm had just blown in. It had gotten pretty windy by the time I had hit the road. That was the last thing -solid- that I remembered. It was a Thursday in the early afternoon. Then I remember pieces of a dream (within my dream), lots of moving and flashing images, some which stuck in my head, some sounds and voices. One image that I remember seeing, specifically, was a drawing of an eye on a small blue-green card. Usually I have an easy time figuring out that I’m in a dream, but it’s when I have dreams within dreams that I truly believe that the dream is real life.

Then I had awoken (not in real life, but awoken from the dream within my dream). And the next thing I knew I was driving down a dark, lamp-lit lane. I was grimy and dirty and hungry. There were cars along the curb and it was a tight squeeze. It was (obviously) nighttime, and I was about to drive into my dad’s driveway. It was then that I had a few flashbacks of the dream I had just experienced, and when I looked down at my lap I saw that same card with the eye on it. It may have been in a piece of clear plastic like one of those rectangular key chains with slogans and goofy phrases on them. I had realized that something strange was going on, that I was having deja-vu or a funny flashback from a memory or a dream, but brushed it off as I was about to pull into my dad’s driveway. My dad’s car was parked on the left side of the driveway, about 10 feet from the garage door. I pulled my car onto the driveway, which was at a slight slant, and pulled up a little farther than my dad’s car so I could get closer to the garage door. I got out of my car, and when I walked into my dad’s front door my Aunt Karen (his sister) was standing near the door, obviously had just walked up from the kitchen, where my family was cooking dinner.

She told me that she had heard about what had happened and started asking me if certain things she heard were true. I initially had no idea what she was talking about, but after a few seconds memories started to come back to me. She asked me if it was true if I had been in a threesome and whether or not I was alright. I was astonished to hear her ask me this – I had no idea what she was talking about, but then I started questioning how I had gotten there, why I was there, and suddenly I realized that I had done some things that were out of the ordinary. Why was I doing these things? I looked at my watch and it said “THU”… it was Thursday. I had been gone for just over 5 days. I had driven from Texas to Virginia and didn’t remember the entire trip by the time I had gotten there. My head was throbbing. What was strange was that my aunt was more concerned about my well being than disappointed or upset that I had made bad decisions, including driving to Virginia.

I walked farther in the house and saw my dad hunched over a stove. At first I was afraid to find out how he really felt. After all, he probably knew more about what I may have done than I did. What HAD I done? I walked up, don’t remember ever seeing his face as it was tilted downward, and gave him a hug. He hugged me tighter than he ever had, and I could tell that he was sad about what was happening, but glad that I was there. Something very weird was going on. It seemed that everything was about me, and everyone there was there because of me – but I was the last to find out why. Something was going on that I didn’t understand, but when someone had mentioned that my mother had called and told them about what was going on I grabbed my cell phone and called her right away. I knew she had the answers I was looking for.

My mom told me that I had a brain tumor and I had driven to visit my dad since I didn’t think I had long to live – and wasn’t going to let someone hospitalize me and let me die in a bed. When she told me this I remembered her explaining the tumor to me when we first found out from the doctors. She said that there was a tumor on my brain and had been moving around the front of my skull for a very long time, and that it had grown to the point that it was causing problems with circulation to parts of my brain, causing loss of memory, vision, changes in judgment, character, blackouts, and lots of pain. When she told me this I remembered her motioning over my head with her finger, showing me where the tumor was. Everything had come back to me, everything that I had forgotten.

I was on the road for 5 days. Why did it take me five days? What had I done? As time passed while I was at my dad’s house even more things started to come back to me. Things that were too unbearable. And worst of all, I knew I was about to die – at any minute for all I knew. I didn’t want to see a doctor. It was then that I thought to myself, “if only this was just a dream…” and so I told myself to snap out of it if it were. I closed my eyes and felt that my body was somewhere else. Maybe I was asleep. I squinted my eyes and tried to pull myself awake… it didn’t happen very fast (although in real time it probably did) but I eventually sucked myself back out into waking life. And I was so unbelievably thankful that it was just a dream.

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