It seems that I’ve been welcomed here today in sickness. In actuality, it might have been for the better – because it allowed me to see the world from an extremely different perspective. When I returned home yesterday from the clinic I felt like I hadn’t seen my house in years, like I hadn’t seen Xander in months. Light seemed cleaner, and the world seemed very different.
Immediately before I became sick urgent care clinics had caught my attention over and over again. Bumper stickers would remind me of people, and that person’s name would appear in big letters on the very next vehicle that came into my view. Mortality and the sincerity and preciousness of this life took front stage as I stumped the clinic for hours with my odd array of symptoms.
I, unfortunately, don’t feel the freedom to lose myself in the underlying structure of this world at this moment. And losing myself, letting go, is the only way that I can follow the rabbit deeper into its hole. I feel that as I have reached the point at which I can exercise my dharma I have a responsibility to remain responsible in this society, with its rules and regulations, to ensure that my family retains their trust in me and that they feel secure enough to advance themselves in it.
Unfortunately, it seems that I’ve passed my illness on to Harper. I’ve always felt extra protective of him, and at times it almost feels like we will share a common future.