The moment my body was taken over by fever, by sickness, I lost awareness of my path, of my journey. I don’t understand why that is, other than assumptions that any excess energy, be it mental or physical, required to focus on that awareness, was unavailable. But now it is. And so I try to pick up where I left off, but it’s a bit like waking up from a long sleep and things have gone on around you in the meanwhile. The destination is still the same, I know.
Going solo… now identified as isolation. One red step in a staircase of green steps. One cigarette butt all on its own, apart from the rest of the trampled, underfoot disposed. Things standing out. The one thing I’m looking for separated from where I’m directed. One leaf left on the tree. One silver tooth in a skull filled with white teeth. When one becomes isolated, it has become stranded. It has no support. It has no protection. It’s not understood. It gets no attention. It has no family, nor can it make one. It serves only one purpose. It’s on a journey that it can only go alone. There’s an element of tragedy. It’s always tragic. It can only end in tragedy. That is its destiny. Like the forbidden love of the tale of the kiss which produced the single red step. A tragic destiny, yet one that serves a purpose unable to be served by a member of the greater population. A path that only this tragically banished soldier can march. As I said two weeks ago, sometimes “it’s necessary to isolate ourselves from the environment that is no longer familiar to us.”
Hello goodbye, hello goodbye. You say goodbye and I say hello. – The Beatles
What another perceives unfamiliarly as a departure I perceive as an arrival. Because I’ve left the herd, and it’s obvious that even when I’m among the others I haven’t truly returned. I am isolated, but still exist amongst the world as a part of it. Like being in the kitchen while food is being prepared, then watching someone else eat it, and never being able to eat it yourself. Like watching the world from an aquarium that follows you wherever you go. Do you escape, jump out and save yourself, or accept your position? You have to accept your position – even to the point at which you sacrifice everything else.